Thursday, March 21, 2013

My best friend of 18 years right before running the half marathon.
Like most women, I've always been self conscious about my weight and my body. It started at a young age for me. Maybe about 11 or 12. I developed quicker than most of the other girls in my class and it made me feel so awkward.

Around 13 I started to feel even more self aware and I started to feel like I was over weight. I wasn't by any means. I dieted. I starved myself. I wished I was thinner.

It didn't get any better as I got older. It got much worse. Throw in a cross country move to California and my body image anxiety skyrocketed. New school, new friends, CALIFORNIA (!!!). That was a bad combination for a 14 year old girl. I hated my body and I thought I was one ugly lady...

Anyway, I didn't start to get better for me until I moved to the Portland area when I was 17, and even then I still struggled with my body image. Even though I was a totally normal body weight. Thank you unrealistic media ideals and Photoshop.

Fast forward to yesterday. I was running a 6 mile run in shorts. My thighs almost started a small fire with the friction they were causing. It hurts and it's uncomfortable. I thought to myself, "Well, I should probably invest in some Body Glide."

Then I thought about that for a minute. I thought about how my 20 year old self would have criticized herself for being too fat. She would have told herself that she had to cut out calories and fat grams and eat only rice and steamed broccoli for weeks.

Wow. To think about that. To think about how far I've come in my thought process, in the way I see myself and my body. For the first time, in I don't know how long, I like my body. I love my body. I have worked so hard to get where I am today physically. I have put in countless hours and miles running, and working out, and I really love the way I am. Right now. It's such an amazing feeling. To like my thighs. To just like me. So what if my thighs rub together? Most peoples do! It's what thighs are for. Well, not really, I just liked where that was going for a minute.

Anyway, I know I will struggle with the way I look in the future. I feel like it's almost inevitable. But, right now, this minute, I truly love me, thighs and all.

In my last post I wrote about how I had this sketchbook now, and that maybe I share too much of myself through social media. How I was going to just use my sketchbook for really personal things. Well, I lied. Kinda. I feel like there are certain things that do need to be shared. Like this. Because it's something that I just feel so great about and I want to tell everyone about it.

Thanks for reading about it. I feel pretty proud of myself.


only daydreaming said...

good for you Michelle. if only we could all go back in time and share our new found & maturing wisdom with our 12 or 13 or 17 or 18 year old selves. geez, all the heartache and self loathing we put ourselves through. thank goodness for our 30's and (ahem) our 40's.

tangled sky studio said...

it's good to be real...and all that real encompasses : )

shanalee said...

you are awesome.

Michele Maule said...

Thank you :)