Where did it go?

What happened to my fearlessness?

Thinking back to when I was a teenager, I practically had no fear. I moved out of my house when I was 16, I started taking college courses when I was 17. I worked part time, when to high school full time, and went to college part time. People told me I couldn't do it, and all I wanted to do was defy them. and I did. and I wasn't afraid that I was going to fail. I knew somehow that I just would.

I feel so afraid of everything now. afraid to put my work, put myself, out there. afraid that maybe I will fail. afraid that maybe everything that I want is just a joke. afraid to make connections, afraid to get involved. I want to stay inside, not come out of my home.

I'm not sure where I lost that nerve I had when I was a teenager. Maybe someone needs to tell me that I can't do it. Maybe someone needs to say that I am never going to succeed. Maybe that's what I need right now.

Someone I can prove wrong.

Three Ships

I've been thinking so much about relationships lately.

There have been a series of events in my life, that I would rather not talk about on my blog, but have a lot to do with relationships. Friendships, loveships, and familyships.

I am thoroughly confused by all three ships.

I thought I had everything figured out and I was wrong. I thought I knew what those things meant but those things have changed so much for me in the two years, I don't know anymore.

I don't really know where I'm going with this. I guess I just wanted to get this off my chest, in a round about kind of way. In a Idon'twanttorevealtoomuchofmypersonallifekindofway.

I don't know what the future holds for any of these ship but I'm looking forward to it. Future relationships, future friendships, and maybe future familyships.

I don't think I'll ever have it figured out. Ever. But, I'm really hoping to at least find some peace with all of them.

8:30 on a Sunday Night

So...it's Sunday.

My four days of solitude are up!
I had a good time. I handled it very well. It's funny...Michael went to China for 1o days 2 years ago, and I thought I was going to fall apart. My poor room mates didn't know what to do with me...
I think having to work at a crummy job didn't make my situation any better either.

It's nice to see how much I have grown. I think I called him...maybe once? Twice? I don't know.
Yay! I am all grown up :)

So it was really nice spending time alone. I got some work done. Not as much as I would have liked, but you know...that's the way creativity works sometimes.

I'd like to say a big thanks to Megan Chapman! I listened to her play list on her myspace the last two days. It's awesome. I really needed some new music, and I really enjoyed it. I also got a very good mixed cd from a fellow Etisan and I have been listening to that quite a bit :)

I was going to write a blog about music, and how important it is to me and my work, but I didn't really feel like writing a small novel tonight, so maybe some other blog. I will say that music is really important to me. I don't have a television, or even a radio, and I have to have some kind of noise in the house while I am working. So music is played all day. All day...so most of the music I have is memorized to the point where all I have to hear is the first few notes and I can tell you what artist and what song. If they still had Name That Tune on TV I would be a champ!

So that was my weekend. It was good.